Mod S2S Mentor

Lots of Friendship Problems

“I've been having A LOT of friendship problems at the moment, and I'm finding it hard to sustain the majority of my "friendships", should I say? I have this one friend who's NEVER apologised to me. I can't tell her because she's really sensitive, and would bite my head off (theoretically, of course). We've had fights like that. Another thing is for them to stop texting me when they're bored 'cause it makes me feel like I'm thier last option. I really need help!”

-Emily

Communication is very important in any relationship, and if your friends aren’t willing to communicate with you when stuff is bothering you or when they hurt your feelings, they are not worth being friends with. Heck, I’m sensitive, but I’m not going to bite my friend’s head to bits because they’re upset with something I did. Sure my feelings are hurt, but that’s because I did something wrong to them and I care about their feelings enough to look past my own and work with them on the issue. It’s not you that can’t sustain the friendship, it’s your friends. There’s only so much you can do when a friend’s not willing to put in the effort to keep the friendship going :(

I’d say you have a couple options. First, you can try (one last time) to tell this friend how you feel using the good ol’ “I feel” statements, doing your best to be assertive but not accusing. Something like “Hey, I really need to talk to you about something. I feel like whenever you’ve done something that hurt my feelings, you haven’t apologized for it, and when I tried to talk to you about that you seemed to get really mad at me. I feel like I can’t talk to you whenever my feelings are hurt.” Obviously, you can change any of that to suit the situation more if you chose to use it. I left out the ‘texting you when they’re bored’ part, because (from my perspective) the not being able to talk about your problems in general seemed like the bigger issue that overlaps with this one, and therefore should be tackled first.

If she responds well, then you can thank her for listening, apologizing, and then bring up the texting issue and why it bothers you. If she doesn’t respond well (again), then I’d say just leave the friendship.

You can either tell her you can’t be in this friendship anymore, because its hurting you more than it’s building you up, or just slowly leave without saying anything. I tend to slowly drift away to avoid confrontation, but its up to you what you think its best. You can still talk with her occassionally, but on your terms and you are under no obligation to do so if it hurts you more than it helps you. And after you leave, don’t go back, or be extremely cautious if you do. It’s really hard to make the choice of having no friends than having bad ones, but trust me when I say this is temporary and so worth it in the end. Its much easier to find good people who care about you and encourage you when you don’t have strings attached to ones that bring you down. Toxic friendships are sticky and dangerous, and you don’t want to stay in one too long or it will be all the more harder to leave.

When you’re away from this friend (or friends), really think about what you want in a friendship and hold true to your boundaries and limits, to rule out any future bad relationships that may come around. For me, I need a friend who builds me up, makes me feel special and not just another bystander. Someone who may not understand me but tries anyway. Someone I can talk to when something’s bothering me, even if they may be the problem. Someone who stays despite my insecurities and tries to work with me through them. Someone who wants to hang out with me but gives me my space when I need it. Someone who is willing to fight for our friendship despite the bumps in the road. My motto is be friendly to people, but be cautious who you trust into your life. And in time, you’ll find some of the best friendships just waiting for you :)

In the mean time, take this time to get to know yourself! Become your own best friend, so to speak. Learn to understand yourself as best you can, be nice to yourself, and support yourself. Try new hobbies to do to help pass the through times when it gets lonely. Talk to new people when you can and do your best to be positive throughout <3

Stay strong and stand up for yourself Emily!! You deserve good friends and people who love and support you. If you have any further questions, feel free to ask below or PM me anytime. Good luck! ;7;)/

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Replies

  • Okay, I tried it and woah, she got mad at me. But hey, we're not friends anymore. Yay, I guess.
    • Mod S2S Mentor
      Aw man, I'm sorry ;n; losing friends is extremely hard, and while in this case it was for the best, doesn't make it any less difficult to go through. I hope you find some really good friends soon, but in the mean time take it easy and take care of yourself <3
      • :3 Thank you.
  • thank you Katharine, this is very helpful. I do have one question, though - the girl who I'm talking about is really sensitive. is there any way I can do this without making her upset?
    • Mod S2S Mentor
      There's no sure way to make sure she doesn't get upset, unfortunately :( Like I said, your best bet is to be assertive about how you feel, but try not to be too accusing towards her, and using the "I feel" statements. You can try to say it in the nicest of ways, but you can't control her reaction. That's on her. You're being considerate of her emotions, now its her turn to be considerate of yours. It's the risk you have to take to make your feelings heard and respected, and her response will tell you whether or not she's worth staying in a friendship with. I hate to sound blunt, but there's only so much you can do when your friend isn't pulling in the effort. Friendship is both parties working together, and if one side isn't working, it's not a friendship, ya know?
      • thank you! i'll try.
  • I can relate :[ one of my friends and I used to be really close, but she and another friend started arguing and arguing and arguing to the point where they declared each other “enemies “. And then she started getting mad at me for staying friends with Rebekah (the friend she was mad at) and wouldn’t listen to reason so I’ve just sorta drifted out of that friendship.
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