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to perfect. .....?

Sooooo oh god I don't even know where to start basically I had a good talk with my friend  "C" and she told me I was being to perfect and that mead her feel bad about herself I told her that I feel sorry for that and that I was just being myself  and that I'm not the problem that C herself was the problem  and with that I don't mean that she's not good enough ( because she's a great person ) just that she feels that way and that's  totally normal I mean everybody knows the feeling to not be good enough and I tried to explain that to her in a nice way but she kept blaming me for being too perfect and now I don't know what to do because I really do like her but I don't think it's my fault  and I also don't think that fault is that important in this situation  ........ I just don't know what to do any advice  ?

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  • This sounds difficult.
  • um ignore?
  • Mod S2S Mentor
    Oy, this sounds like a difficult position—I'm sorry. :(

    First of all, let me say that, based on your description of the situation, I definitely agree with your assessment of the in that a) you are not to blame for your friend's insecurity and b) the question of who is "to blame" is really not the thing to focus on anyway.

    That said... hmm. Unfortunately, it's pretty easy to fall into the trap of self-comparison to others, and that mindset can cause all kinds of havoc for self-esteem; even making a conscious effort to avoid that spiral, I still find myself making negative self-comparisons all too often. It's hard to deal with, so I sympathize with C.

    Still, the fact of the matter is that you're right—this is in no way, shape, or form your fault. Firstly, if you *were* truly perfect, that's something anyone should resent you for anyway—and secondly, while you're definitely a wonderful person (as I'm sure C is as well! :3), I'm fairly sure you're not perfect, given that you're presumably human, and I'm inclined to suspect that "perfect human" is an oxymoron. ;) It is the case that, from a psychological standpoint, we often have a tendency to view the strengths in others and the flaws in ourselves, which, obviously, can easily harm self-esteem; some people deal with this to a greater extent than others. Regardless, though, it's really not fair to put that on you, when it sounds to me like you're doing the best you can to be a good, supportive friend.

    In terms of advice, unfortunately, I'm not sure if I have anything specific to suggest which you haven't already thought of. Gently remind C of what a great person she herself is... and also that, as a general rule, comparing people does no one anyone good (not to mention, is likely to be a lost cause). Every single human being has our own strengths and our own flaws—that's the beauty of uniqueness, that it's not a matter of "I'm better/worse than you," but rather a matter of "I'm different than you, which is wonderful." Plus, logically speaking (although logic isn't always helpful with feeling like these, as I can say from personal experience), someone else's perfection or lack thereof really doesn't, or shouldn't, impact your own self-worth at all. C is who she is, you are who you are, and you're friends, but there's no point nor value in trying to compare. Friendship isn't a competition. <3

    This may not be remotely helpful, in which case, I apologize for not having more advice. :'( I hope C feels better about herself soon and no longer blames you for her own perceptions and things that are out of your control. And I hope that *both* of you remember without a doubt what fantastic individuals you are. *sends virtual hugs* Good luck. :')
    • Thanks for all that writing ! oh and of course I'm not perfect :) *sending virtual hugs back*
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