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Please read and help me I'm lost

Hi there,

Just a warning this is going to be long, because these issues have been bottled up inside me forever. So basically I have a friend who Ive been friends with since about grade 3(5 years). She was always a bit more mature than me in ways-interested in boys when I thought they had cooties, wearing makeup before I felt pressured to do so myself. She had her first real makeout kiss at age 11 and meanwhile I'm 14 and have never been kissed.

This never bothered me until this year when she started being rude to me about it. She is still my friend and we have great times together but every now and then she'll say a really hurtfull comment about me dying a virgin or the fact that I have never had a boyfriend. I know she is joking but these comments hurt me much more than I let on because although I hate my feminist self for wanting a man, I really do want a boyfriend I just can't get one. She even once totally non chalantly called me a prude which wasn't even when we were fighting she just slipped it into the conversation.

I know that this is a frenemy situation and that I should find new friends but this is where it gets complicated. My friend acts really mocho and trying to look tough when I know the real her is compassionate and loving. However now her true self has been completely abolished and she only is tough and rude to me showing no remorse.  Its like she has to prove to other people and prove to herself that she is tough.

As hurt as I get, me and my friends are super worried for her. She acts really distant most days and rarely seems to have fun anymore. Her family seems super nice from what I know of them but shes hinted at the fact that she has family issues. This isn't her trying to seek attention. it took her a week of being really strange and going to the bathroom to cry and screaming at us when we came in before she opened up about wanting to run away. Just last night she told me that she has really bad depression and social anxiety which I totally understand because I have mild anxiety too. However shes only opened up to me twice in the last year and all the other times she has brushed us off or gotten really really angry at us when we were trying to help her.

Finally, she drinks a lot. Like a lot. And were only 14 for goodness sakes. I don't judge her for drinking a bit, lots of my friends do, but hse is borderline alcoholic. SHe drinks in the middle of the day when she comes home from lunch and even brings alhocol to school occasionaly. She told me once that she cant go to a social event without drinking a few shots. This worries me a lot.

I want to help her but she wont let me. If I talk to her shell push me away and end this friendship that I love. I don't want things to continue as normal though because she makes me feel bad about myself when I am with her. I don't know if there is an answer but please help me. What should I do?

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  • First of all. Tell someone you trust! It's only going to get worse, she isn't going to get better without help. She's too far down this path. I know that you don't want to lose this friendship but it's better to help your friend than watch them fall. She's self medicating with alcohol and can get seriously hurt or worse, killed.

    She is going to lash out more, to everyone. So don't take it personally, she's doing it because she wants to devalue your advice and keep the illusion that what she's doing is ok. Part of her knows that it's unhealthy, but she doesn't want to admit it.

    Like I said, don't take her comments to heart. It's perfectly fine that you aren't dating or haven't kissed before. You'll do those things when you're ready. It's better to wait until you find the right time than to rush into it and end up unhappy.

    I'm sorry, the position you're in is really hard. Your friendship is most likely going to be broken for a while, but that doesn't mean forever. Still be there for her even if she doesn't want you to, because when she's ready maybe you guys could be friends again. By that time, she's going to be her true self again, that loving compassionate person you knew.

    We'll be here to support you! *hugs*
  • That's a really bad situation, I'm sorry :(. One of my friends was depressed (they're getting better now) so I know what it's like when someone needs help won't accept yours. I think at this point you need to talk to an adult. I'm normally all for figuring things out between yourselves, but this seems like a really rough situation. I'd recommend talking to a school guidance counselor.

    Firstly, please don't take her comments seriously. It's totally fine to be a virgin or not have your first kiss. I'm about your age and I've never been on a date either. If she's going through hard things she might lash out, which doesn't make sense, but it happens a lot.

    So yeah. I'd suggest talking to a counselor and/or your parents. I really hope this helps!
  • Mod
    That sounds really rough, Kaia. One of my friends is suicidal and I know from experience how hard it is when someone needs help and still tries to push you away. At this point though you need to get an adult involved. Ideas for whom to talk to are a parent, godparent, older siblings, teacher, counselor, nurse, or religious leader if that applies to you.

    There is nothing wrong with being a virgin, or not dating or been kissed. I personally want to wait until I'm sure I know what I'm doing before I take any steps, and as Sarah said, I've never been on a date either. Try not to take her hurtful comments too seriously - when people are struggling they often lash out at those closest to them. While I don't exactly know why that is, it's common and it's happened to me.

    Something that might be helpful for you and your other friends would be seeing a counselor for YOU. It's stressful to be supportive and around someone going through so much emotional turmoil, and seeing someone to help you stabilize, or give you ideas on how to be a supportive friend is really helpful.

    I hope this helps you, even a little bit. I'm here if you want to talk about it more, and I know that everyone on NMG is supportive and here for you <3
    • where can I find a counselor to talk to?
      • Mod S2S Mentor
        If you go to a school, there are likely guidance counselors there whom you could meet with for free, although since it's currently the summer I don't know whether or not that would be an option for the next couple of months. Otherwise, I'd recommend talking to your parents (probably a good idea anyway) about it and asking them to help look into it for you - I'm sure there are counselors/therapists in your area they could help you to find.
        • ok thankyou I'll share with my friends what you guys said and see how we can help my friend
          • Mod S2S Mentor
            No problem. Best wishes to all of you - sending good thoughts your way! <3
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