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Funny Quotes

Post ye funny quotes here, and split your sides* laughing at some of the others

I spill all my deep secrets after midnight
*11:59 am* "I like Halloween best"
*12:01 am* "I killed a man once"

"Your bra strap is showing" Yes, because as adolescent girl, I must not have boobs!

ME: I need to go to the bathroom
TEACHER: What for? ME: TO SLAY THE MIGHTY DRAGON IN THE- what do you think? 

"Do you procrastinate a lot?" Yes, I start paintings at 1:30 am when I was supposed to do them at 8:00pm you know why? Homestuck, that's why. 

"Homestuck is for nerds" Y3S, 1 SM3LL TH3 N3G4T1V1TY, SH00 N0W

ThinkGeek has an entire section dedicated to Unicorns, use the knowledge wisely.  (I'm being serious)

My life consists of 99% references, oh my glob, drama bomb, am i right?

If I ever get dumped over my obsession with Three Day's Grace, it's okay, cause misery loves my company ;)

My ideal date: We sit on the roof stargazing, the conversation starts with funny humorous jokes and then becomes us discussing the universe and it isn't even awkward.

*friends wear makeup* *looks like a victora secret model*
*i wear makeup* *looks like a panda*

That minute when you pay attention to the lyrics of a song with a seemingly happy tune and realise how freaking depressing it is.

That moment when you finally understand a song you used to sing when you were six     (Three by Britney Spears)

(some) Guys: *brushes hand lightly and seductively* no homo bro.
(some) Girls: *lifts up top* how cute is my bra? I love it. 

*around one of my friends 16 year old cousins*
Them: I can't believe someone like you hangs around him    
Me: why?    
Them: He's only just barely twelve    
Me: I am twelve  
Them: I thought you were 16, I swear

Me: *has the longest chip (fry)* YES! I WIN AT LIFE!

Oh you don't like Uptown Funk? Stop. Wait a minute. 

Me: *streaming* hey this looks interesting *three seasons in* YOU WON'T DIE AMBER, I SWEAR, THOMAS LOVES YOU. 

The intensity of my shipping put into sound waves would cause mass earthquakes. 

If someone ever has a crush on me and tells me I might die of shock. 

I fall for random strangers every day, I wonder if they ever fall for me?

Do you ever type something spelled so horribly wrong, spell check be like 'are you four or are you trying to spell the longest word in history?'? 

"What is your favourite part of puberty?" the part wear i come out looking like beyonce, when's that gonna happen? 

Beyonce: *sneezes on me*
Me: Thank you. 

Me drawing: *draws the perfect head* *draws body looking like a horse gone wrong*

Me: *draws animal*  
People: Is it supposed to be a fat rabbit?    
Me: no, it's supposed to be an elegant horse. 

I try and I try but whenever I draw hands they look like fat sausages stuck sideways on a burger. 

Friends: Come on, dance with us!    
Me: I'm not that good.
 Friends: so, who cares? come on!  
*five minutes later*
Me: I'm fairly sure bad dancing isn't a valid reason to be kicked out of a party.

Me: Right, let's do this painting. *reads another 100 pages of  Homestuck* *binge watches RPGMinx Videos* *listens to music* *goes on to NMG* *looks for more clothes* oh look it's 2 am!

Person: you're blocking the view      
Me: why would you want me to stop?

No one ever tells you the struggles of being an early bloomer, like I don't like being mistaken for a mother with my child when it's me with my older friend.

My family during Mariokart:
Me: DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT BLUE SHELLING ME MUM, I SWEAR TO GOSH.  
Mum: Oops! My finger slipped.  
Me: OH MY GOSH YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT!  
Dad: AND THE UNDERDOG BURSTS THROUGH THE FINISHING LINE, VICTORIOUS!  
Me: OH HECK NO, I WILL COMPLETELY DESTROY YOU IN THE NEXT RACE, JUST YOU WATCH  
Mum: It's just a game Roxi    
Me: Take that back, or you are banned from ever playing Mariokart again    
Dad: You're getting really caught up in this    
Me: I'M BEING PERFECTLY RATIONAL!

If you tickle me, you will see two sides of my personality at once. One will be giggling and laughing cutely, the other will be cussing and homicidal. Just be prepared to see them both at once. 

Friend: It's so weird to think that the person you'll marry is on this earth right now    
Me: yeah    
Friend: What do you think yours is doing right now?      
Me:.....YOU CAN'T MAKE THAT LAVA JUMP!

Idiot  Person: Hey there's a cat, let's kick it!  
Me: Lay a finger on this animal and I will punch you. 

Considering how sarcastic I am, I don't think I'll be able to hold up a job. 

"You wore that shirt a week ago" Yes, because I own it and have a wonderful thing called a washing machine. 

Parents: If you lost it, you must not of cared about it  
Me: You've lost me in the grocery store a few times, what are you saying? 

Lets high five with lips! 

Mum: Don't ever get hooked on drugs.  
Me: I get nervous around Pink Lemonade, what made you think I'd do drugs?

I hope you appreciate these because I just spent a solid hour writing them you're welcome. 

*please don't actually split your sides I don't like legal fees or gory stuff. 

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Replies

    • xD
  • Friend: Veronica's so innocent
    Me, who swears, mostly watches inappropriate comedy shows, and talks to middle school boys: haha what

    Actual thoughts I have had:
    "She raises a delicately manicured eyebrow - wait no that's not what eyebrows are"
    "I like giving people the IDEA they've won, but they actually haven't. Like, they think they've kept me from running away, but those are actually pillows under the blanket, I'm just somewhere in Heathrow drinking apple juice while victory music plays in the background, maybe that one Rocky song"

    I have had entire conversations that are j u s t sarcasm, usually ending in an obscure fandom reference
  • Mod S2S Mentor
    Me, who never swears: *says a swear word*
    My sister, who swears all. The. Time.: YOU SWORE!
    Me: Shut up.
    • rELATE
  • Life goal: Get more than one ^^^^^

    I had the near-simultaneous experiences today of almost being decapitated by a banana and being high-fives for swearing.

    Reasons my friends are bad influences:
    -At least one of them is in a cult (??)
    -they eat stuff they aren't supposed to
    -I yelled a swear word in the cafeteria and the response was "wife i'm so proud our daughter's growing up" and "HIGH-FIVE!"
    -I keep thinking I'm in BMC when I'm hanging out with them

    Reasons my friends are good influences:
    -they're gay
    -they made me gay
    -they probably wouldn't actually kill anyone? [debated: discuss]
    -I keep thinking I'm in BMC when I'm hanging out with them
    • the first one tho
      xDD
  • The insanity of my guilty conscience

    Me: *starting to feel horribly guilty about nothing*
    Inner me: no Tessa, don’t go into that awful place where your stomach feels all cramped as though you have a bezoar and where people play capture the flag but in a weird way and with mushrooms on their heads and where childhood squishys are strewn about with little tares where their wings should be.
    Me: thanks inner me, I feel a lot better now, but are you really suggesting That archeology and lavender are two different glaciers when compared to the gravity of an apple? Because you know how I feel about that theory.
  • to follow the theme of cults
    8th Grade Afterschool Activities: Anime club, Battle of the Books, and guitar lessons
    7th Grade Afterschool Activities: Battle of the Books, CAT CULT CAT CULT CAT CULT CAT CULT, and French club
This reply was deleted.

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